Lifelong Illnesses – The Struggle Is Real

1 06 2017

*P.S. this post will be quite long and is an extremely honest and vulnerable sharing. (Because some negativity needs to get out of the system sometimes). I understand that this may not be as bad compared to others, but we all just need that space to let it out once in a while.*


From the beginning, things already seem unfair when it is an autoimmune disease – when your cells decide to attack your own body.

It almost seems like your body wants to kill you, but decided to be evil and give you prolonged suffering instead. 

Why did this happen to me?

Why me? Why this? Why now? 

Those were some of the initial thoughts that probably kicked in, and likely to flash past my mind once in a while. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had this for more than 13 years and the going still gets tough.

I’ve seen friends with the same condition at extreme ends in terms of coping with it – those doing well and managing it #likeaboss versus the other end where nothing fazes them and they just couldn’t care anymore.

To be honest, I’ve probably been to both extremes and fluctuating between the extremities most of the time. And given the ‘vulgar’ term that our people detest hearing from the doctors, the fluctuating game is strong. 

Because you live with it 24/7, and life loves to take its own course, everything fluctuates. Emotions, blood glucose, related health issues.

Pair that with stress from the daily grind, it really takes a toll on your physical, emotional and mental well-being.

Worse still when all the problems hit you all at once. 

It’s not like you’re not trying, it’s not like you don’t want things to be right. But sometimes, your priorities are just different.

Time is limited, and you can be stretched only this much. Endless testing, impossible weighing of each gram of carbohydrate to be consumed, regular exercise to keep fit, time for work and any semblance of a social life, time for family and the list goes on. 

I don’t blame others for what’s happening, but it hurts and feels unfair to say that it’s entirely my fault when things don’t seem to go the right way. 

The fear that engulfs you knowing that things are going downhill and you need to change it, yet it’s so much easier said than done. 

The worry of not knowing what’s going to happen in future. Sometimes the thought is triggered in my mind: why do I have to think so far ahead when everything in the future seems so bleak? 

When sometimes it really feels as though dying young isn’t that bad after all. 

But stop.

We cannot be so self-centred. We cannot disappoint our loved ones and their hopes for us. There is more to life than what we’re going through right now; it’s difficult to see it now but we’ll get through it eventually. 

I came across this article today, and was impacted by it somehow. It reminded me that it’s God’s will and He has a plan for me. Even if there are non-believers, everything happens for a reason. Know that you are #notalone in this lifelong battle. 

http://thir.st/blog/save-best-friends-life/
Whatever struggles we go through, He put us through it only because He knows that we can overcome them. 

We just got to trust in Him. Rely on Him for the strength to carry on. 

Don’t give up. 


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“I Have No Friends”

24 04 2017

“I have no friends.”

An innocent conversation just before class started, about tardiness and somehow this phrase came out from a fellow classmate. 

So heartbreaking it sounds. So direct those words. 

It kind of pierced my heart to hear it from someone I’d recognise beyond the usual contact in class. 

Paired with the recent drama about teenage suicide that I’ve been watching, 13 Reasons Why, it’s a pretty timely reminder. 

It reminded me of how fortunate I’ve been to have had friends surrounding me and showering me with all their love. 

Friendships, just like all human relationships, take effort from both sides to get started, maintained and grow. Yet it has the seemingly contradictory factor that is found in typically strong friendships.

Sometimes when time is not on our side, and it may seem as though we’re drifting apart, you’d realise that stable friendships are able to allow reconnection to pick up where we left off. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, maybe.

But that ease of going back in time to catch up on everything up to the present day is something that amazes me and appreciate. 



Right time, right space.

How we’ve met, is truly a blessing to the journey we’ll go on together in our lives. 

The fun, joy, and laughter we’ve had. The challenges and tough times we’ve overcome. All those memories and experiences – good or bad – is but a small price to pay for the lifelong friendship we’ve built. 



So thank you my friends, including those who have fallen off along the way and down the road. Our lives continue, but the memories hold true. Fair weather friends, acquaintances, co-workers, peers, mentors, best buds, there are so many labels to the varying degrees of what friends are. 

But each one of you who have come into contact at least once in my life, you are precious. You taught me something, or shown me something new, or gave me a lesson, all the experiences that shaped me to who I am today. 

So no, I’m glad that I am not like that classmate who has to say that painful phrase, but it woke me up to learn to appreciate what and who I have around me. Life passes by pretty quickly and sometimes it’s easy to take things for granted. So a shoutout to friends around me, thank you for being a part of my life. Hoping to catch up again soon, or I’ll see you real soon, or if we don’t ever see or hear from one another again, take care and so long, for now – it was great while it lasted. 





World Diabetes Day was almost blackout day for me…

14 11 2016

  

Look at the picture again, and you’d think that everyone is smiling happily post-workout. Little would you know that I’m on the verge of blacking out, a little breathless and couldn’t stand for another minute longer. It’s much scarier in real life and words can’t really describe it sufficiently well.

And that’s the sneakiness of diabetes – seeping the hypoglycaemia (low blood sugar) and hyperglycaemia (high blood sugar) quickly yet silently into your life. 

All we can do is try our best to manage them, 24/7 even during our sleep. Frustrating at times when doing your best doesn’t mean you get the outcome you want. 

To cut to the chase, there are two things that this post hopes to achieve:

1. Awareness to Diabetes 

  
Yesterday (13 Nov) was World Diabetes Day and today is the birthday of Sir Frederick Grant Banting, who was the first physician who used insulin on humans – essentially the medicine that is keeping me alive this moment. 

But I digress. 

As in previous posts that I’ve sporadically written on this topic before, there are different types of diabetes. Types 1 and 2 – differing in its cause, medical treatment and severity. 

For simplicity, here’s one article to get you started to understanding what it’s like to live with it – not too different from healthy individuals. 

In summary, not all diabetic patients are diagnosed because they’re fat, they’ve eaten too much sugar, or inherited it from their ancestors. Suffice to say, some get it while pregnant, some due to a virus attack on their pancreas, others due to obesity-related or age-related issues etc. 

While it hasn’t been a problem for me to use my needles in public, there are those who refuse to do so for fear of embarrassment or being judged. My dear friends, there is nothing wrong with self-injections. In fact, it helps educate others who may not be exposed to such norms we practise multiple times daily. 

With the government focusing more on raising awareness and educating the public on diabetes, all the more we should spread the word and support the community and help others be more health conscious and prevent cases that can be avoided! 

2. Appreciating Life After Near Death Experience

It wasn’t that obvious but it certainly gave me a good scare. With black patches in my vision, lack of energy and breathlessness – something I have never experienced before – I knew that I’ve pushed myself too hard. Too stubborn to stop and treat myself before continuing on. 

And this is why I’ve learnt to appreciate life once again (the other time being the night I was sent to the A&E just before diagnosis)

With the hustle and bustle of life, sometimes we overlook the more important factors – be it family, friends or health. 

As my vision blurred and strength leaving my body, it reminded me of my loved ones. How I’ve yet to fully express my love and gratitude for the wonderful life they’ve given me. 

It’s different for everyone but let’s take some time, at least once a week, to appreciate everything and everyone around us. Be it family, friends, nature, our home and a roof above our heads, basic necessities like food and clothing, lessons we get out of life. 

Remember to appreciate yourself too – your mind, body and soul! 

It’s a long post, probably an outpouring of words after the long hiatus from random thoughts and writing. Off to look for the supermoon tonight! 🌕





Late night conversations with…

9 07 2016

  
Throughout the day and then later on at night the other day, the conversations that flowed varied widely in topics but all just as thought-provoking personally.

Similar to people, “you’ll never know until you try” is a common theme that permeates the conversations even in relation to countries, actions, choices and behaviours.

Instead of sticking to our societal norms, cultural or religious beliefs, perceptions of reality and of life, we should all learn to be open-minded and understand from another’s situation before we come to a conclusion to judge. 

Easier said than done, definitely. It’s not like I haven’t fallen into this trap of quick judgement.

Everything happens for a reason. Whether it’s aligned to your own reasoning, there will always be another reason, perception or belief that led to the outcome. 

Yet with this taken into consideration, let’s not forget too that this world is made up of things and people that are not us or ours to begin with. And while we try to remain open, there needs to be a balance to maintain the good order, harmonious environment for all. 

Seeing how things have become today, it’s getting increasingly difficult to place myself in others’ shoes to understand what is going on in our world today. The place we supposedly call home is no longer stable, orderly or a place filled with happiness and love for all…

And yes, I digress. 

It could be a quarter-life phase that makes me start thinking this way. It’s time to figure out what’s next, where I’m heading to in life, and review the envisaged end goal. 

All while taking into account, and applying the concept of not placing quick judgement on what’s right and what’s wrong, or how life is supposed to be at a certain stage/phase. 

While we can observe how we do not wish for it to end up, let’s remember that certain circumstances or choices made led to the end result. Whether or not it was a choice or forced by circumstance, there is always a reason to it.

We can’t control everything in life, but we can observe, learn and grow from observation and experimentation. 

Let’s not be quick to judge others or their circumstances, but remain open-minded and adapt our own lives along the way – hopefully towards the end goal we wish for.





True Colours

10 08 2015

  
Through time, 

Will we be able see one’s true colours.
To understand one’s past and what they’ve experienced to be who they are today.

To realise the truth behind why things work the way they do.

To unveil the hierarchy of existing norms that won’t be easily changed.

To grow and learn about life and our roles in it, with no option to turn back.

To find out that everyone has their own story, which underneath that smile, is an untold story you’ll never know.

Through experience,

Will we learn that people are different – in personalities, in worldview, in behaviour.

That we are not all the same and we cannot expect that to be so.

That we need to learn to accept the differences, and that to find someone not your family to be accepting of all of you is difficult and should be treasured when found.

That we will need to let go – of some of our past, our relations and our thoughts.

That there will be times when we reflect back, and we miss parts of our past, or people who had been in our lives, but we learn to continue on with the past remaining where it should be – as our memories.

That we will never be perfect, nor anyone else will ever be. 

That we can only strive to be the best version of being good as we understand it to be.

That through it all, family is the one to hold closest to.

That those dearest to us, whether going through ups or downs, learning our rights and wrongs, we grow together.





Life, how precious – the night poems #2

9 01 2015

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The soul it lies so deep
The life we live with it
Gone in a flash it could
Here in this second we should
Enjoy as much as we could.

/

High and low we search afar
When moments we lose just make it mar
Bobbing up and down we go
No time to bother how the heart folds
The life with happiness it once filled
To one that misery had it killed

/





Fight for the ones that you want to keep in your life.

9 12 2014

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“There are strangers everywhere who we will never have the privilege of knowing and people are leaving this planet in every moment. It shouldn’t just be the holidays when we remember to appreciate the people we love. Wake up, humans. Fight for the ones that you want to keep in your life.”

“Things are always “complicated.” They live far away or they’re afraid of commitment or they’re too busy to make something work. If you care about someone, you keep them in your life. Period. If you like someone, you fight for them, every day – not just on the days you’re told you should be thinking of them. If you love someone, if they get you better than anything else, if even 2 minutes of talking to this person makes you remember how deeply you care about them, then you should never let them go. Love doesn’t know any boundaries – or it shouldn’t, anyway. Love should be the one thing in this life that happens despite everything else.”

“As we gather for the holidays, we catch each other up on our lives, how we’ve been doing, all the success we’ve been making for ourselves. It’s important to be successful in life. That’s what we all want. We want to be actors, writers, musicians, doctors, lawyers, world changers. We’re working our asses off to get there, and we’re losing people in the process. We justify it easily. We’re too busy right now. If the people in our life care about us, then they’ll stay. We’ll see them over the holidays. We’ll buy them a kick ass gift. They’ll stick by us until we’re ready for them again.”

If the people in your life are trying their hardest to stay with you and you’re not giving anything back? You’re going to lose them. Yes, we need to fight for people, we need to stick by the ones we love no matter what, but we also need to be fought for. There’s only so much indifference our hearts can take. We need to be loved right back.”

“Don’t take the people in your life for granted. Don’t stop fighting for people because you’re on your way to success and don’t want anything, or anyone, to screw up your career. Careers are always there. You can start trying for a career any day. The medical field, the music industry, the art scene – those aren’t going away any time soon. The people you have in your life – you could lose them, at any moment, if you don’t care enough to keep them with you.

//

The moments I’ll cherish, will you too?
Things you’ve said that should push me away, why do I still want to stay?
Is it a case of bad timing, or have you not let go of the past?
Stories you shared, felt so personal. Yet we’re both withdrawing.
Are we both afraid and thus pushing each other away?
Are we too scared of being vulnerable yet again?
Should it always be this hard?

/

Playing it cool, we let it drift.
Things can be simple, yet we’re always making it complicated.
Maybe it’s because we have differing goals right now.
Things are stable, we’re happy just working hard for a successful career.
Happy with just having a fun time with our closest friends and family.
That’s all we need, we think. At least for now.
But is that really the case?
Deep down, we know how we feel.
Are we avoiding going further simply because it doesn’t hurt now?
We’ll just enjoy the moment now, or so we think.
“There’s only so much indifference our hearts can take.”

/

Do I really know you? No I don’t.
But neither do you.
Is it worth fighting for, I ask myself repeatedly.
To be honest, I wouldn’t know.
I’m holding out, for now. For how long, I don’t know.
It’s easier to just let go, to move on.
But, there’s always a but. A nagging thought at the back of my mind.

//

Post inspired by Thought Catalogue’s post titled “Fight for the people you love – end of story








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