Lifelong Illnesses – The Struggle Is Real

1 06 2017

*P.S. this post will be quite long and is an extremely honest and vulnerable sharing. (Because some negativity needs to get out of the system sometimes). I understand that this may not be as bad compared to others, but we all just need that space to let it out once in a while.*

From the beginning, things already seem unfair when it is an autoimmune disease – when your cells decide to attack your own body.

It almost seems like your body wants to kill you, but decided to be evil and give you prolonged suffering instead. 

Why did this happen to me?

Why me? Why this? Why now? 

Those were some of the initial thoughts that probably kicked in, and likely to flash past my mind once in a while. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had this for more than 13 years and the going still gets tough.

I’ve seen friends with the same condition at extreme ends in terms of coping with it – those doing well and managing it #likeaboss versus the other end where nothing fazes them and they just couldn’t care anymore.

To be honest, I’ve probably been to both extremes and fluctuating between the extremities most of the time. And given the ‘vulgar’ term that our people detest hearing from the doctors, the fluctuating game is strong. 

Because you live with it 24/7, and life loves to take its own course, everything fluctuates. Emotions, blood glucose, related health issues.

Pair that with stress from the daily grind, it really takes a toll on your physical, emotional and mental well-being.

Worse still when all the problems hit you all at once. 

It’s not like you’re not trying, it’s not like you don’t want things to be right. But sometimes, your priorities are just different.

Time is limited, and you can be stretched only this much. Endless testing, impossible weighing of each gram of carbohydrate to be consumed, regular exercise to keep fit, time for work and any semblance of a social life, time for family and the list goes on. 

I don’t blame others for what’s happening, but it hurts and feels unfair to say that it’s entirely my fault when things don’t seem to go the right way. 

The fear that engulfs you knowing that things are going downhill and you need to change it, yet it’s so much easier said than done. 

The worry of not knowing what’s going to happen in future. Sometimes the thought is triggered in my mind: why do I have to think so far ahead when everything in the future seems so bleak? 

When sometimes it really feels as though dying young isn’t that bad after all. 

But stop.

We cannot be so self-centred. We cannot disappoint our loved ones and their hopes for us. There is more to life than what we’re going through right now; it’s difficult to see it now but we’ll get through it eventually. 

I came across this article today, and was impacted by it somehow. It reminded me that it’s God’s will and He has a plan for me. Even if there are non-believers, everything happens for a reason. Know that you are #notalone in this lifelong battle.
Whatever struggles we go through, He put us through it only because He knows that we can overcome them. 

We just got to trust in Him. Rely on Him for the strength to carry on. 

Don’t give up. 


World Diabetes Day was almost blackout day for me…

14 11 2016


Look at the picture again, and you’d think that everyone is smiling happily post-workout. Little would you know that I’m on the verge of blacking out, a little breathless and couldn’t stand for another minute longer. It’s much scarier in real life and words can’t really describe it sufficiently well.

And that’s the sneakiness of diabetes – seeping the hypoglycaemia (low blood sugar) and hyperglycaemia (high blood sugar) quickly yet silently into your life. 

All we can do is try our best to manage them, 24/7 even during our sleep. Frustrating at times when doing your best doesn’t mean you get the outcome you want. 

To cut to the chase, there are two things that this post hopes to achieve:

1. Awareness to Diabetes 

Yesterday (13 Nov) was World Diabetes Day and today is the birthday of Sir Frederick Grant Banting, who was the first physician who used insulin on humans – essentially the medicine that is keeping me alive this moment. 

But I digress. 

As in previous posts that I’ve sporadically written on this topic before, there are different types of diabetes. Types 1 and 2 – differing in its cause, medical treatment and severity. 

For simplicity, here’s one article to get you started to understanding what it’s like to live with it – not too different from healthy individuals. 

In summary, not all diabetic patients are diagnosed because they’re fat, they’ve eaten too much sugar, or inherited it from their ancestors. Suffice to say, some get it while pregnant, some due to a virus attack on their pancreas, others due to obesity-related or age-related issues etc. 

While it hasn’t been a problem for me to use my needles in public, there are those who refuse to do so for fear of embarrassment or being judged. My dear friends, there is nothing wrong with self-injections. In fact, it helps educate others who may not be exposed to such norms we practise multiple times daily. 

With the government focusing more on raising awareness and educating the public on diabetes, all the more we should spread the word and support the community and help others be more health conscious and prevent cases that can be avoided! 

2. Appreciating Life After Near Death Experience

It wasn’t that obvious but it certainly gave me a good scare. With black patches in my vision, lack of energy and breathlessness – something I have never experienced before – I knew that I’ve pushed myself too hard. Too stubborn to stop and treat myself before continuing on. 

And this is why I’ve learnt to appreciate life once again (the other time being the night I was sent to the A&E just before diagnosis)

With the hustle and bustle of life, sometimes we overlook the more important factors – be it family, friends or health. 

As my vision blurred and strength leaving my body, it reminded me of my loved ones. How I’ve yet to fully express my love and gratitude for the wonderful life they’ve given me. 

It’s different for everyone but let’s take some time, at least once a week, to appreciate everything and everyone around us. Be it family, friends, nature, our home and a roof above our heads, basic necessities like food and clothing, lessons we get out of life. 

Remember to appreciate yourself too – your mind, body and soul! 

It’s a long post, probably an outpouring of words after the long hiatus from random thoughts and writing. Off to look for the supermoon tonight! 🌕

Meds I can’t live without

7 02 2013

Meds I can't live without

It’s been a decade since these became a part of my life, so I just wanted to commemorate this day – Feb 7. Also serves as a reminder to keep optimistic and look at the brighter side of life (:

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